My dad had his heart attack on a Sunday evening and, thank goodness, was recovering well in hospital. My parents had been happily married for over seventy years. By the Tuesday morning, not even forty-eight hours later, Mum appeared to have forgotten he had ever existed. It was absolutely staggering. She slept very late on Tuesday morning and came downstairs, not seeming in the least surprised to see her daughter in the house instead of her husband. She was in such a cheerful mood, chatting away about this and that. Then my brother popped in straight from the hospital. He sat in Dad’s chair. Mum kept looking at him with a puzzled, worried expression. Then she said “it’s a shame my son died isn’t it?”. Thank goodness my parents have never lost a child. I tried to explain that it was my brother sitting in Dad’s chair, that nobody had died and that Dad was still in hospital. She needed reminding she had a husband. My parents don’t have single framed photo of themselves in their house and I don’t know where the photo albums are kept so I couldn’t show her a picture. She kept looking suspiciously at my brother, studying his face, and I thought how frightening and disorienting it must feel to not grasp what is going on or to recognise your own children.
Mum then kept asking me if she and Dad had been happy. I don’t think it is an exaggeration to say they have had a wonderful marriage. The sort of relationship where both people really love and look after the other one. Since Dad retired they do everything together. Dad still buys Mum flowers every single week. I told Mum all of that and she seemed pleased. An hour later she kept asking “did I have a husband?” over and over though so none of this information had been retained. I took her back to my house for dinner with my family and then we returned to my parents’ house and settled down for bed. Mum looked heartbreakingly frail in her nightdress.
Wednesday, Mum woke up at the crack of dawn in a foul mood. I was trying to do the washing and cleaning but everything I did was wrong. I set Mum’s place at the breakfast table but it was in the wrong position and she made me move the placemat and cutlery even though it made no difference. Didn’t I know she had two cups of tea not one? She can be very forceful, far more so than pre-dementia. My colleague rang to check in on me and I got quite choked up. I almost never cry but, no matter how old you are, having your mother constantly criticise you is very hurtful and I had hardy slept for a couple of nights. Mum didn’t mention Dad at all that day until I rang the hospital and spoke to him and my brother. I put the phone on speaker and they had a little chat. Once it was clear that Dad was going to recover we made the decision that wouldn’t take Mum to see him at the hospital. We knew from experience that would get very confused and distressed when we reached the ward. This happened when we visited my uncle, she thought she was being left there by herself and became quite distraught.
On Thursday Dad came home. Mum was over the moon to see him. Absolutely over the moon. She kept kissing him and telling him how much she loves him and how much she had missed him. I didn’t tell Dad that she had forgotten his very existence for a couple of days. Dad looked very pale and tired but happy to be home. He is the sort of person not to make a big fuss over anything. He is taking part in a trial where elderly patients are treated with medication rather than having a heart bypass. In the year since his heart attack he has not once seen a cardiologist or had any follow up other than a chat on the phone with a nurse. He is very organised with his medication and seems to be doing well. For the first week or so I went over every evening and helped with preparing and cleaning up dinner and with the housework. Now I pop over and help with the housework twice a week, especially the washing because there is now so much of it, sadly. Dad still does almost everything though and his kindness and patience is extraordinary. I have never once heard him sound impatient or irritated with Mum. For now, we are all muddling along together.
Thank you for reading,
Samantha
Cover Photo by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash












