Dad and I looked at the list of care agencies given to us by the visitor from Social Services. Most of them were located more than fifteen miles away. There is a local agency but I did not want to use them because I have seen one of their carers in the local park screaming abuse at somebody. Dad rang Age UK and they recommended some other agencies and we booked an initial meeting with one of these.

Two women arrived from the agency, one manager and a young woman who seemed to be learning the ropes. They arrived at 12pm and Mum would always be up by then but, on this particular day she had gone back to bed after breakfast saying that she felt unwell. Never in my life before have I known Mum to be in bed at midday. Anyway the older manager was very much into cross selling her company’s services. I explained that Dad is not going to pay almost forty pounds an hour for cleaning and she was visibly disappointed. I explained that we were considering booking a couple of initial sessions where the carer would come in and bathe Mum and wash her hair. The manager started pushing for every day. I was glad I had attended because I can see how elderly people can be pressured into agreeing to more of the care agency’s time than they can really afford.

I explained that Mum would usually be up at this time but she was feeling unwell. The manager asked to see her and, again I reiterated that Mum was asleep. “Just let me see her” she said. I took the manager and her colleague upstairs and into Mum and Dad’s bedroom. Mum was lying on her back, fast asleep looking white as a sheet The manager called Mum’s name in a booming voice, scaring her. Mum became very distressed. If I was woken by two strangers in my bedroom I would be terrified, anyone would. I went over and reassured Mum who was overjoyed to see me for once. Then the manager said it is neglectful to leave Mum in bed all day. For the third time I explained that Mum is NEVER in bed all day , I began to feel really annoyed and judged. The manager then said that their carer would wash Mum but wouldn’t be prepared to manoeuvre her into the bath. I said would write to the contact at Social Service and see if we could have a bath chair. This was supposed to have been supplied before. Everything is such hard work.

Despite my misgivings, Dad seemed keen on booking them in so we arranged for two visits the following week. The manager said she had a particularly kind, patient carer in mind. I was working on the day she visited but rang Dad once I had finished, he sound exhausted and exasperated, predictably Mum had refused to be washed. The carer made Mum a cup of tea and left, Dad said she seemed very nice and patient. Later that evening Dad rang me and said mum was crying. I popped round and Mum said her back hurt, I gave her some pain killers and tried to straighten up the cushions on her chair but she wouldn’t let me. She told me to go home and leave her alone. Dad asked me to help with a problem on his computer, we were out of the room five minutes and Mum must have shouted out, demanding dinner, at least fifteen times.

I woke at 4am this morning worrying. Mum is clearly not cleaning herself and she will not allow anyone else to help. What on Earth are we going to do? She could have a bottom covered in sores but we wouldn’t know. What if we need to call an ambulance or doctor out, they will think we have not been looking after her. The same carer is coming again in a couple of days and we will try again but I am not optimistic. I think we are going to have to consider a care home if this refusal continues.

Samantha

Cover Photo by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash