I saw a wonderful post on the Facebook page of The New York Times this week describing a type of person that most of us come across at some point in our lives, The Energy Vampire. The piece, written by Jancee Dunn, resonated with me so much. Until recently I had two major Energy Vampires in my life but one of them appears to have decided that I am no longer useful to her. This was somebody who I had always been more of an acquaintance than a friend until I bumped into her during Lockdown whilst out on a walk and we decided we would walk together once a week. The walk itself was beautiful but very secluded in places and I felt safer with somebody else. It soon became apparent however that this person was just going to spend the two hours or so it took to complete the circuit talking about herself. She was clearly very unhappy and complained about everything and everyone. If I interjected at any point during the monologue a fleeting look of irritation would cross her face, she’d mutter something and carry right on speaking. I really tried my best to listen and to be supportive by simply being there however, on one of these walks she didn’t ask me a single question about my life until we were approaching her driveway. She then appeared to remember that there was actually another person present and half-heartedly asked how things were with me. It was so obvious that she wasn’t interested in my reply that I made my excuses and took myself home. I felt utterly exhausted and not from the walking.

Perhaps I am being a little uncharitable, it must be awful to go through life finding fault with everything and maybe she was suffering from low-mood. I try to be a compassionate person but friendship is a give and take relationship and I can’t be friends with somebody who barely acknowledges my existence even when I am standing right next to them. This particular person has now moved to another area without so much as a goodbye so I was spared the awkwardness of distancing myself.

The other energy-draining person in my life is a relative. I rang her recently to give her some exciting news concerning one of my children. I was one the phone for an hour and hung up without even having an opportunity to impart my news. Instead, I had to listen to a long, boring story she had told me at least three times before about people I don’t know. I tried to blurt my news out but she just raised her voice over mine and in the end I just zoned out and gave up. Despite being a close relative they barely ask about my mum and dad who are struggling at the moment and this just demonstrates how little they really care. I don’t have the option of cutting this individual out of my life but I have reduced the number of times I ring to check up on them. I always have to work myself up to call because I dread it so much.

Perhaps we all have the capacity to be Energy Vampires when we are going through a bad time. Sometimes I will pick up a certain friend for a trip to the cinema or to a restaurant and, before she has even put her seatbelt on, I will be blurting out everything that has annoyed me since I last saw her. Usually though, after a few minutes I realise I haven’t even asked how she is and I hastily stop talking and check in with my friend. Sometimes, she does the same thing. We should all be able to vent to people who care about us and we should afford them the same courtesy. If it is all talk and no listen though it is probably time to reevaluate your relationship.

Thank you for reading,

Samantha

Header Photo by Loren Cutler on Unsplash